There are thoughts that are inescapable. Things that tend to find their way into my head in late hours like these. I often wonder what it must have been like...laying there...never knowing for certain when the time would come but having the strongest realization that the time was near. And I wondered what it was like for him before. In 2008. Last year. The times when I'm sure he was thinking to himself that he only needed a few more years...and prayed for them. And then I start to think about other times. What were the things he thought of...as he walked down the long and lonely corridors of the hospital as he went from one treatment to another. (Bless my mother for being there with him for most of those steps.) Where did he find the strength to continue...and why.
I know the last few days...last few months really...of his life must have been extraordinarily miserable. Watching him wince in pain...day in...day out. Going to sleep and praying for rest...waking with more pain. My dad was incredibly strong and I know he had a high pain tolerance so for those tumors to cause that kind of excruciating strain on his body...I can't imagine what it must have been like. Or maybe I just don't want to.
All these days since...I can't let go of all of that. But I try to. I try real hard...and this outlet helps. I try to put myself in his position and compare benchmarks about what exactly might be my regrets if I'd been the one who'd been terminally ill. The list that I come up with off the top of my head is staggering. It's borderline disturbing. Wasted potential, missed opportunities, unrealized ambitions...they're enough to make you question your entire being. From beginning to now...I've lost time...intentionally wasted, casually ignored, and the rest of the time shamelessly pursuing the primary driving force behind our capitalist economy...the ever-changing, thus unattainable, ideal of a better life through the hollow pursuit of money. But it's pointless to ruminate on time lost. So the question is...how to recognize my true potential and how to adjust my focus on fulfilling that...and how to have some adventures along the way...
